a blog made with love!
im creating this website as a way to practice coding! so far, so good, if you ask me! this website will act as a diary, of sorts. i know its not the prettiest but, honestly, i like
it that way.. feels home-y, in a strange sorta way.
there are also various monster flavors that i've tried but i can't really remember which flavors and how much i liked them.
that's all the smoothies i've tried so far (they're expensive!!)
entry 1: dear reader, do you ever like someone and just feel so many emotion's that you feel like you're going to explode? because i do. all. the. time. i'm not sure why, but i've always been a very emotionally driven person. i like to say that "i feel very big". its always felt like my emotions are dialed up to 200%. but back to the liking someone part. [redacted...redacted...redacte/d bc embarassing] all in all, i need someone to do a comprehensive study on why people like the people that they do and how to find out if someone likes you as much as you like them because i am on the struggle bus. signing off, juju. bye!
entry 2: dear reader, do you ever like someone so much that you begin to turn to God? because i do. i like this guy so much and i just need guidance so deperately that i've turned to God. as of this morning, i've downloaded a bible app on my phone and have begun researching where to start when reading the bible. i don't really know what else to do. and of course, this isn't really a first time occurence. with this same guy, i felt so confused and lonely that i began researching how one becomes a nun. i was looking into monasteries around the country and felt that maybe he was a sign from God. i don't think it was a true calling from God but i treated it as such and it was all i could think about for like 3 days. i likened myself to joan of arc and listened to seasick, yet still docked by morrissey on repeat. it wasn't my best moment. but all that to say, this feeling isn't new. it's a feeling i'm especially familiar with. when further examining my relationship with religion with a friend, i mentioned that i "loved" the idea of being led, which works to explain my turn to religion in this trying time. im so lost and my life would be so much easier if i could just be told what to do at all times. if i could just be told by a higher power that he's not right for me (or that he is the one), my life would be much more stress free. if only. but honestly, even if it doesn't work out, at least he brought me closer to God (although i'd never tell him that; it'd inflate his ego even more than it already is). signing off, juju. byeee!
entry 3: dear reader, i know its been a while.. but im back! i was away on a cruise! it was awesome. we stopped in cozumel, costa maya and roatan. i got totally sunburnt, and now my skin is starting to peel :/ ive been on a few cruises and this was one of my favorites. there was some really great food onboard, with lots of variety in terms of kind. now that im back, i have hardly anytime to relax. i am in a production of William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing and it is currently crunch time, so to speak. we are competing with the show in a scholastic thatre competition and are within days of district competition. it is very nervewracking, but i truly believe that if everyone is on their a-game, we have potential to advance to bi-district. the end goal is obviously state, but baby steps. my greatest struggle with this whole thing is being nice to certain people on our cast. there are some people that i just absolutely cannot stand. their personalities are grating and they do not ever implement notes or critiques. above all else, i cannot stand a theatre person who cant take critiques. its the worst becuase no matter how many times they recieve the same note, they always assume they know better and they don't need to change a single thing. but its whatever. thats all for now. signing off, juju. byee!
entry 4: dear reader, we did not advance to bi-district. its unfortunate but not shocking. im kinda over it so its not that big of a deal. but thats not really what im here to talk about. im ranting about how disgusting teenage boys are. absolutely sickening. i cant. im in class rn and im overhearing a boy discuss the severe lack of material available for "beating his shit". ... what is wrong with you. in what world is that an appropriate conversation to have in public, let alone in class. im appalled. do we have no social awareness, no decorum?? everyday, i become more and more aware of the fact that girls mature much faster than boys. its so painfully obvious. theyre so dumb. i always wonder how they've made it this far in life. now, i understand that this seems like an unfair generalization, but if you have spent anytime with high school boys recently, you understand exactly what i mean. with that being said, i think i will be committing to just waiting to get a boyfriend until college. it may not make that much of a difference, but at least he might be a bit more socially developed. but that's my rant so.... bye! signing off, juju!
entry 5: dear reader, it's been a while.. i know. but to be fair, i have a valid excuse. the end of senior year got pretty hectic. and now im in college, with a whole bunch of free time. i've not much to do, so im back. ive been having lots of fun here, the people are very nice. and the boys are nice...looking. well, for the most part. there are some funny looking guys, but im sure there are people who think that of me so ntm. ive been getting along fairly well with my roommate and we've been meeting some nice people. there are also a few cute guys on my floor and in my hallway, though i havent spoken to any of them long enough to know what theyre really like. even if i dont wife any of them, i do still want to make friends so hopefully i get a chance to meet more guys (and people, in general). im also a little worried about who i'll see on campus, one person in particular: my old "crush". he was in theatre with me, and i know he goes here. so my head is consistently on a swivvle, always watching out for him. my greatest worry is that he'll see me before i see him and he'll greet me, catching me completely off guard. but off-topic, im totally bummed because i want to go see childish gambino in austin, but that would mean driving to austin from san antonio AND buying concert tickets in the nosebleeds AND driving back home super late, which are all things that i'd rather not have to do, but sacrifices i suppose. idk. despite all that, i still want to go- but i also dont want to go by myself so i'd have to make friends with someone here who is already planning on going or someone who could be convince and who can afford a ticket (im not made of money..durrrr).. idk.. where there's a will, there's a way i suppose. but thats my college update! signing off, juju!
entry 6: [COMPLETELY REDACTED] sorryyyyyy. i wrote a whole bunch (longest diary entry to date) but it actually reeked of desperation and i couldnt bear to see it so its gone. forever. but it deserves at least a tombstone... so this is it. signing off, juju!
entry 7: dear reader, im back. again. i'm find myself being increasingly more active on my blog, which is delightful. i love adding more and more to it, and tweaking things as needed. im actually thinking about bringing back my podcast.. idk maybe. because like, i love podcasting but also,, people watching my podcast: terrifying. like actually. god. imagine mis casi algos clicking onto the video and laughing at me. i would die. my anxiety is already bad enough, i cant imagine walking around my building, around campus for that matter, just worrying about who's seen me discuss my stupid podcast points. i can't afford that in my life right now. so idk, im torn. maybe ill just do it, throw caution to the wind. or maybe not, because im a worry bug. but on the other hand, i enjoy podcasting and i shouldnt let the fear of how others will react stop me from doing what i love. but on the other other hand, societal pressures exist for a reason and, furthermore, are evolutionarily useful. conformity and fitting in is lowk goated so yk... but like, what do i know? but on a separate note- ive been feeling an intense, crushing loneliness lately. i feel burdened by my general lack of companionship. my only friend is my roommate. i know maybe five people, across all of my classes, even less if youre not counting people who live on my floor. ive cried so many times in the past few days, its ridiculous. and of course, ive found an object of pining, someone to yearn for (who doesnt reciprocate my yearning in the slightest). its a classic pattern for me, i find some guy who could be into me but then changes his mind (mostly due to something ive done) and then i become practically obsessed with him. i continue to want him for far too long until inevitably, i get terribly depressed because i cant have him. but its not like depression is terribly unfamiliar, so its not too bad ig. im used to being sad. as corny and tumblr-core as that is. sometimes i wonder if these creative outlets of mine are really cries for help. means of reaching out without actually reaching out. a way for me to say, "well i tried, too bad no one listened", as if thats a valid excuse. i know good and well that no one reads this. oh well. but thats really all i have to say so yk. signing off, juju!